I still remember how it felt
Sitting in bed bed
Holding my breath
Hoping and praying that tonight wouldn’t be like the others

I can hear your footsteps
Ten until my door
Fifteen until yours
One
Two
Three
I curl my toes and bite my lip
Six
Seven
Eight
Close my eyes and hold my breath
Nine
Ten
You’re here.

I hear your hand softly knocking
I close my eyes
I feel your feet against the floor
My bed sheets moving away
My night shirt being lifted
I feel your hand in me
I stifle a squeal

You whisper that it’s okay
You wipe my tears away
And I feel you in me
You’re grunting
And I’m crying
You won’t stop until you want to
There’s nothing I can do about it now
My hands in fists trying not to scream
Your hand is over my mouth
I close my eyes again

You’re finally done
You tell me to open my eyes
But I don’t want to, because when my eyes are close you
Do not exist
When my eyes are closed I refuse to let you hurt me
If I open them my strength will be gone

You wipe the rest of my tears
Pull down my dress shirt
Put my sheets back
And close the door

One
Two three
I can finally sob to myself
Four
Five
You’re with my mother now
And I am left alone with this razor
It’s stele a beautiful feeling against my skin
Soft almost
Red is everywhere
I close my eyes one last time